Having it all

Is it possible to have it all?

Well, of course it is. We all know people who have it all. What do I mean by “having it all”? I’m talking about having relationships that satisfy both our BDSM joneses as well as our other, various human desires. All at the same time. So that you feel like a whole person, you know?

This topic has been on my mind since I enjoyed a dinner out with a ProDomme friend of mine a couple weeks ago (and, no, all you junior detectives, it was not with either my Mistress nor with any of her close associates, so give it a rest). My friend “Helene” was telling me that her successful BDSM practice satisfied 80% or more of her urges, but then there was the small matter of watching a movie with someone without it becoming a big deal; spending holidays with that someone; and , yes, getting a hug when it’s really needed. So just how do you fill in this “missing” 20%? Being dense and somewhat self-centered, I had never really appreciated that fact that ProDommes are frequently in the same dilemma as their clients. For the client with the wherewithal to session twice a month and attend fetish events once or twice a month, he too is 80% there. On paper it would seem to be an easy hole to plug (sorry). After all, we’re not looking to take someone out of their comfort zone and ask them to do things they probably consider weird; we’ve got that piece covered! So this will be easy! Well, not really. You see, any candidate willing to fill in the missing 20% is in fact going to want more than that, and rightly so. And, chances are excellent that when s/he figures out what is fueling the 80% part, your ‘wonderful’ friendship will come to a screeching halt.

I want to tell you a related story. A true story. For such a smart guy, sometimes I can be so thick it’s breathtaking. Stating it very briefly, I used to regularly see a ProDomme who is now retired. She was very famous, drop-dead gorgeous, brilliant and funny. By any measure one of the world’s most beautiful and charming women. I am fortunate enough to say that she adored me as a client and made every session seem extra special. She also had a list of dos and don’ts on her website that took a measure of concentration for the reader to get through -- in other words, she was highly ethical. Well, one fine day, without any prior warning that I recognized at the time (but with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I see very clearly now) she began “forcing” me to perform vanilla sex acts while in session. Damn! I loved it in the moment, but later the thought of it weirded me out just a bit. Does she do this with everyone? (She tearfully protested that I was the “only one.”) And I was married at the time…this was not really what I was seeking when coming to the studio space she rented. Some 4+ years later, I get it. Finally. She was looking to plug the empty 20%. She told me that she attended many high-end formal events on the arm of this or that gentleman, but having sex with a slave who was tied up in a compromising and stressful position was something she could not do. Except with me, a client she decided was cool enough trust with the task. I really puzzled over this for a long time. This was a woman who should have been capable of reeling in any man she wanted “on command”. But there is always the untold story. I was one of the few who knew her well enough to know that her day job was as an executive VP at a major corporation. Ooooh, that 20% can be really hard to fulfill!

So circling back to my friend Helene, I’m not sure what the answer is. Her partial response seems to be to have her especially moneyed clients take her to very expensive restaurants for polite banter. I guess that fills the gap at least partly. As for myself, against my better judgment I have been seeing a vanilla girl who I know will cut off all contact with me when she hears about BDSM. She has somehow not noticed my decorative cutting or the hole where my cock piercing is (phew, I manage to get it out in time before any action starts. It might be fulfilling a need, but it still sucks. I hate being so dishonest with someone close to me. It makes me feel like a fucking criminal. And all this with a very beautiful younger woman who knows all my present and former business associates. Literally, a time bomb waiting to go off. Well, I’d love to search for a new “business” model, but I’m not sure how to go about that. Let’s see, seeing a ProDomme who is into totally different things, so “play” never becomes an issue, meanwhile we understand each other in a very organic sense. Hmmm. Actually, that sounds a bit like Helene and me, although she has made it clear that she deeply resents the fact that I have no desire to play with her. Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good. Or maybe I should try a polyamorous household…but that sounds so messy. Or serving a Mistress who maintains a stable of different subjects, each utilized for different moods. Feh. Than that leaves other gaps to fill.

When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.